Tired eyes look back from the mirror

At the first winter beard with unmistakable white.

As once blonde and crimson strands somehow got bleached

Sometime back in 2006.

Maybe it was the war?



One of the most prominent rises from my chin

As an exclamation, like the bony finger of the grim reaper beckoning.

Check your pockets for change,

The ferry toll across the styx will not be waived.

Y mi corazon negro will not be taken in trade.

But the dust from Stephen Crane and the Black Riders

Sure keep the sunsets pretty.

A Cryan Shame wrote:



[Tired eyes] [look back from the mirror] - cliche, overdone

At the first winter beard with [unmistakable] white. - abstract, contrived

As once blonde and crimson strands somehow /got/ bleached - feels forced, // sonic s<myspace><myspace><myspace>top</myspace> ;</myspace></myspace>.

Sometime back in 2006. - very stiff

Maybe it was the war? - telling, show hints or dialogue



One of the most prominent rises from my chin

As an exclamation, like the bony finger of the grim reaper beckoning. - confusing structure

[Check your pockets for change, ] - cliche, telling

The ferry toll across the styx will not be waived. - dissonance

Y mi corazon negro will not be taken in trade. - forced

But the dust from Stephen Crane and the Black Riders

Sure keep the sunsets pretty. - obtuse, telling

This feels over edited and forced by turns.

damn straight. if it wasn't for a few thousand forced cliches i don't know how i'd make it through the day...

i swear i only edited it once though..and then just for grammar