Panic At Grey's Anatomy wrote:

So...Yes...New York is my muse...AND I AM BACK!!!!!! ---- so, who wants to read the first few pages!?!?



No title yet



The first time he ever saw her was on a Tuesday. She wore a blue tank top that complimented her eyes. Her name was Franny, and she was 16.

Danny was a junior at McKinley High.

Red hair spilled across his acne infused face.

Danny's mom worked at Stanley Morgan as a corporate lawyer. Her name was Jenna.

Jenna was hardly home.

In fact, Jenna missed out on a lot of Danny's life. Even at the age of fifteen when Danny was admitted into Stony Brooks Psychiatric hospital, Jenna would use work as an excuse not to visit her son.



Danny often wondered why his mom even had him.



Danny’s dad had left when Jenna announced her pregnancy. If there was one thing Jenna ever told her son, it was; not to end up like his father.



Late at night when the entire world slept, Danny lay awake and wondered what his father was doing. Was he still alive? Did he even think about the son he abandoned?



________________________________________________________________ _______



I am not here to tell you about my friendship with Danny. Nor am I here to tell you about the pain Danny endured by the death of Franny. I'm here to tell you about a boy who was dealt the wrong hand in life. His name was Danny and he IS my friend.



________________________________________________________________ ________



The year I do not recall. The month is but a small fact amongst the intense bond Danny and I shared. A light fog covered the sky the day we met. It seemed like the heavens above wanted not to be seen. Sort of using the fog as a blanket.



I sat in the back of the school bus awaiting nothing. It seemed to be the same routine everyday. Go to school, Do countless amounts of work and go home. Using the word repetitive to describe my days became an understatement.

Danny walked into the school bus at Mercer Avenue. This was the first time I saw Danny. He carried a walkman and a Pepsi soft drink. As he made his way to the back of the bus, we locked eyes. He had these really blue eyes. They were kind of annoying to be honest with you. You couldn't help but stare at them. Later on in our friendship I would buy him the movie 'A Street Car Named Desire'. You know the one with Marlon Brando.

I would call him Old Blue Eyes just to bug him.

Anyway, I was talking about the time we met. He walked towards the back of the bus and sat in the seat right in front of mines.

The volume on his walkman was on high. As Red Hot Chili Peppers blew through his headphones, he began to tap his feet to the rhythm of the song.

He must have not noticed it, but many people on the bus began to laugh and stare. He continued to tap his feet while in a daze from his music. This would be the same daze he would be in after a dose of heroin.



The laughs grew louder and more faces turned to see what seemed to be the funniest thing in the world.

I got up from my seat and made a beeline to Danny's seat.

I sat next to him and struck up a conversation. After talking for about 15 seconds, Danny took off his headphones and said

"I'm Sorry?"



"What do you think about Red Hot Chili Peppers new record? Blood.Sex.Sugar.Magik?"



"It's fucking awesome. Though I haven't heard every song, Under the Bridge has been on serious rotation"



"Dude...I love that song."



As the laughter stopped and silence began to fill the room, I noticed we were in front of the school.



"My names Danny"



"Steven"



He offered his hand out for a handshake, that’s when I noticed the scars.

I froze up and my eyes focused on his arm.

He quickly pulled down the sleeve of his shirt and smiled.



"Are you going to shake my hand or not?!"



"I'm sorry" I said



I then shook his hand and looked him in the eye.



"So, how is this school?" he asked



"Bullshit I guess, nothings really good about this school."



"I'm sure it's better than where I was"



"Where were you?" I asked



"Um. I was admitted to Stony Brook Psychiatric home last spring"



"Why?"



"...It's a long story. Listen, do you want to ditch this and go to the movies?"



I hesitated answering because truth is, I never ditched school before.



I then responded



"Yes"



This would be the answer I always give Danny. Whether it was money for drugs, a place to crash or just time to have a conversation. I would always say "Yes".



________________________________________________________________ ________



Danny always had this melancholy presence about him. He was never fully there.



The only times Danny was at the least sane was when he was with Franny. God, he loved Franny. They reminded everyone of Sid & Nancy. One minute they would be arguing, then at the blink of an eye, they were cuddling up on the nearest couch.



That's something they constantly- cuddle up on the couch-. Danny would cuddle with Franny all day & night.

He often told me he could spend days in her arms, and how her arms were like a shield that protected him from the harsh realities of the world.



During Danny’s last days, he would call me up three times in a day. Danny and I haven't spoken for a while, and I had to find out from mutual friends that he was living in New York.



That day when we were kids and cut school, Danny & I went to see the movie Annie Hall directed by Woody Allen.



Annie Hall was playing at a local theater in Hoboken, New Jersey. Danny & I were both from Elizabeth NJ. We took the bus into Hoboken and saw the movie. After the movie we went to McDonalds for lunch.



While sitting down discussing the movie and eating our meals, Danny stood up and recited one of the lines from Annie Hall.



"Why do you insist on going to college? All these professors major in one thing; Mind masturbation..........Hey! Don't knock masturbation, its sex with someone I love."



Pepsi nearly came out my nose. That's how hilarious it was. Next to our booth were these two girls. They were both teenagers and both from McKinley High. I remember seeing Deidre in school but not Franny.



Deidre and Franny lived right next door to each other. There parents hated each other, so in tradition of teen rebellion - they were both best friends.



I would later learn both parents forbid both girls to hang out with each other. So, the only time they could was if they both skipped school.



"Hi Steven" Deidre said.



"Hi Deidre, how's it going?"



"Oh it's going all right"



"What's up?" I asked



"Oh nothing, get back to your friend"



Just as she said that Danny turned around and said



"The names Danny"



"Oh, hello Danny" Deidre said sarcastic as hell



" And who's this" Danny asked while pointed at Franny



"Oh this is Franny"



"Hello Franny"



"Hello Danny"



"Are you new here?" asked Deidre



"Yeah, to this neighborhood"



"Oh, where were you from before you moved to this glorious place we call New Jersey?" said Deidre



"I stayed in Stony Brook for a while"



"Oh. That's nice"



"Not where I was staying" said Danny



"Where were you staying?



"I was admitted into Stony Brook Psychiatric hospital" Danny said calmly



"Oh My God! For what?"



"Deidre, why aren't you at school" I asked, trying to change the subject.



"Why aren't you at school?!!"



I sort of half smiled Deidre’s way and caught a glimpse of Franny looking at Danny.



As Franny and Deidre got up to leave, they came over to our table to say goodbye.



"Will we be seeing you in school tomorrow?"



"Well, yeah I guess" I said



"Good"



"Bye" both Danny and I said to Deidre



"Bye" Both girls waved at us while making there way to the door.



________________________________________________________________ ________



As Danny and I were on the bus going back to Elizabeth, I felt a feeling Danny wanted to talk about the hospital. He practically brought it up every chance he could.

So as the bus raced down the highway, I asked Danny -



"Why did you get admitted into that hospital?"



"Boy, are you persistent!"



"Well you know what they say: Persistence is the key to virtue"



"They should say persistent is the key to a black eye"



Both of us laughed and continued on with our conversation.



"Well, last spring I got real sick and had to be admitted into the hospital. It was pretty stupid to be honest with you. It was this really dumb thing I did when was in school."



"What did you do?" I asked anxiously



"I kind of fell in love with my teacher"



"Oh Boy!"



" No, you don't get it. Nobody gets it"



"No, I was just joking man, what happen?"



"It was stupid. Around April I had to read this book for class. The Catcher in the Rye"



"Dude, that my favorite book"



"Yeah, mine too. That's odd. Well, anyway, my English teacher gave me the book to read and I did so. Late April I started to get depressed as hell. If you want to know the truth, I was sort of feeling like I wanted to kill myself. I don't know why but I just didn't want to live anymore. I missed my dad a lot and my mom was hardly home. I was alone most of the time. I would go to school feeling depressed like a madman and my English teacher would calm me down and talk to me. Things felt better when I was with her. Kind of like I was normal. Like I fit somewhere. Well anyway, I don't know why but I came up with this brilliant idea to tell her how I felt. Only thing is she kind of got scared and took me out of her English Class"



"What exactly did you say to her?" I asked



"Well, I don't remember everything but I sort of told her how I liked her and we could run away together and we could both get away from this stupid place."



"Whoa! Why’d do that for?"



"I don't know man, it just felt right. She was the only one who liked me, the only one who cared about how I was doing."



"Yeah but, she could go lose her job and if worst comes to worst - Go to jail"



"Yeah, I know - I kind of realized that"



"But, that doesn't seem like a reason they admit you into a psychiatric home"



"Yeah, I know. It was because of what happen after."



"What happen after?" I asked



"I really can't talk about it. It's too hard"



"Well, can you try?"



He took a long sigh and continued -



"The following week after she threw me out of her class, I was feeling like shit. I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone but her. So, that Friday when she had an open period. I left my class and headed to her room"



"What else?"



"Well, I started talking about how much of a good couple we are and how we could carry on conversations for days, and I have my own bike so she doesn't have to worry about me bothering her for a ride. Well, I guess she didn't like the idea cause she stood up and made way for the door. I didn't know what to do. I felt like I was losing her. Like she was getting away from me, so I did whatever I could to make her stay"



"What did you do?"



"I told her if she left I'll kill myself. She stopped at the door and began to cry. She told me how I could get help, how we could do it together. But I knew she didn't mean it. They never do. I told her that all I wanted was her; all I wanted was to be with her. No one understood me the way she did. The next few things were a blur but, from what I read in my portfolio, I became violent and a danger to my own well being. I started to hit my head against the desk. I started to bleed and cry."



"What happened after that?"



"Well, I remember being escorted out the room by 3 police men, then put onto a stretcher"



"Wow, I'm sorry Danny"



"There's nothing to be sorry about Steven"



There was nothing else any of us could say. I turned my head towards the window and watched the trees fade into the darkness that was night. I don't believe I've ever been so scared in my life. And the weird part is, I wasn't scared for me but, for Danny.

WHAT THE FRICK IS THIS? Are you seriously fucking calling that even writing. That was such pure shit, and I only read like 4 paragraphs. Why is there, a capitol letter after a comma.

Panic At Grey's Anatomy wrote:

Stop being a jerk. Its a rough draft... God, i fucking hate you..Ur being a jerk...And i hate that..fuck you.. ass hole

get over it Stevenson, you know we all hate your writing and think you are annoying, yet you persist in showing up . . . really you earn what you get

Panic At Grey's Anatomy wrote:

Stop being a jerk. Its a rough draft... God, i fucking hate you..Ur being a jerk...And i hate that..fuck you.. ass hole

Somebody took an overdose of nasty pills. As sparrow dude says, accept it.

Panic At Grey's Anatomy wrote:

So...Yes...New York is my muse...AND I AM BACK!!!!!! ---- so, who wants to read the first few pages!?!?



No title yet



The first time he ever saw her was on a Tuesday. She wore a blue tank top that complimented her eyes. Her name was Franny, and she was 16.

Danny was a junior at McKinley High.

Red hair spilled across his acne infused face.

Danny's mom worked at Stanley Morgan as a corporate lawyer. Her name was Jenna.

Jenna was hardly home.

In fact, Jenna missed out on a lot of Danny's life. Even at the age of fifteen when Danny was admitted into Stony Brooks Psychiatric hospital, Jenna would use work as an excuse not to visit her son.



Danny often wondered why his mom even had him.



Danny’s dad had left when Jenna announced her pregnancy. If there was one thing Jenna ever told her son, it was; not to end up like his father.



Late at night when the entire world slept, Danny lay awake and wondered what his father was doing. Was he still alive? Did he even think about the son he abandoned?



________________________________________________________________ _______



I am not here to tell you about my friendship with Danny. Nor am I here to tell you about the pain Danny endured by the death of Franny. I'm here to tell you about a boy who was dealt the wrong hand in life. His name was Danny and he IS my friend.



________________________________________________________________ ________



The year I do not recall. The month is but a small fact amongst the intense bond Danny and I shared. A light fog covered the sky the day we met. It seemed like the heavens above wanted not to be seen. Sort of using the fog as a blanket.



I sat in the back of the school bus awaiting nothing. It seemed to be the same routine everyday. Go to school, Do countless amounts of work and go home. Using the word repetitive to describe my days became an understatement.

Danny walked into the school bus at Mercer Avenue. This was the first time I saw Danny. He carried a walkman and a Pepsi soft drink. As he made his way to the back of the bus, we locked eyes. He had these really blue eyes. They were kind of annoying to be honest with you. You couldn't help but stare at them. Later on in our friendship I would buy him the movie 'A Street Car Named Desire'. You know the one with Marlon Brando.

I would call him Old Blue Eyes just to bug him.

Anyway, I was talking about the time we met. He walked towards the back of the bus and sat in the seat right in front of mines.

The volume on his walkman was on high. As Red Hot Chili Peppers blew through his headphones, he began to tap his feet to the rhythm of the song.

He must have not noticed it, but many people on the bus began to laugh and stare. He continued to tap his feet while in a daze from his music. This would be the same daze he would be in after a dose of heroin.



The laughs grew louder and more faces turned to see what seemed to be the funniest thing in the world.

I got up from my seat and made a beeline to Danny's seat.

I sat next to him and struck up a conversation. After talking for about 15 seconds, Danny took off his headphones and said

"I'm Sorry?"



"What do you think about Red Hot Chili Peppers new record? Blood.Sex.Sugar.Magik?"



"It's fucking awesome. Though I haven't heard every song, Under the Bridge has been on serious rotation"



"Dude...I love that song."



As the laughter stopped and silence began to fill the room, I noticed we were in front of the school.



"My names Danny"



"Steven"



He offered his hand out for a handshake, that’s when I noticed the scars.

I froze up and my eyes focused on his arm.

He quickly pulled down the sleeve of his shirt and smiled.



"Are you going to shake my hand or not?!"



"I'm sorry" I said



I then shook his hand and looked him in the eye.



"So, how is this school?" he asked



"Bullshit I guess, nothings really good about this school."



"I'm sure it's better than where I was"



"Where were you?" I asked



"Um. I was admitted to Stony Brook Psychiatric home last spring"



"Why?"



"...It's a long story. Listen, do you want to ditch this and go to the movies?"



I hesitated answering because truth is, I never ditched school before.



I then responded



"Yes"



This would be the answer I always give Danny. Whether it was money for drugs, a place to crash or just time to have a conversation. I would always say "Yes".



________________________________________________________________ ________



Danny always had this melancholy presence about him. He was never fully there.



The only times Danny was at the least sane was when he was with Franny. God, he loved Franny. They reminded everyone of Sid & Nancy. One minute they would be arguing, then at the blink of an eye, they were cuddling up on the nearest couch.



That's something they constantly- cuddle up on the couch-. Danny would cuddle with Franny all day & night.

He often told me he could spend days in her arms, and how her arms were like a shield that protected him from the harsh realities of the world.



During Danny’s last days, he would call me up three times in a day. Danny and I haven't spoken for a while, and I had to find out from mutual friends that he was living in New York.



That day when we were kids and cut school, Danny & I went to see the movie Annie Hall directed by Woody Allen.



Annie Hall was playing at a local theater in Hoboken, New Jersey. Danny & I were both from Elizabeth NJ. We took the bus into Hoboken and saw the movie. After the movie we went to McDonalds for lunch.



While sitting down discussing the movie and eating our meals, Danny stood up and recited one of the lines from Annie Hall.



"Why do you insist on going to college? All these professors major in one thing; Mind masturbation..........Hey! Don't knock masturbation, its sex with someone I love."



Pepsi nearly came out my nose. That's how hilarious it was. Next to our booth were these two girls. They were both teenagers and both from McKinley High. I remember seeing Deidre in school but not Franny.



Deidre and Franny lived right next door to each other. There parents hated each other, so in tradition of teen rebellion - they were both best friends.



I would later learn both parents forbid both girls to hang out with each other. So, the only time they could was if they both skipped school.



"Hi Steven" Deidre said.



"Hi Deidre, how's it going?"



"Oh it's going all right"



"What's up?" I asked



"Oh nothing, get back to your friend"



Just as she said that Danny turned around and said



"The names Danny"



"Oh, hello Danny" Deidre said sarcastic as hell



" And who's this" Danny asked while pointed at Franny



"Oh this is Franny"



"Hello Franny"



"Hello Danny"



"Are you new here?" asked Deidre



"Yeah, to this neighborhood"



"Oh, where were you from before you moved to this glorious place we call New Jersey?" said Deidre



"I stayed in Stony Brook for a while"



"Oh. That's nice"



"Not where I was staying" said Danny



"Where were you staying?



"I was admitted into Stony Brook Psychiatric hospital" Danny said calmly



"Oh My God! For what?"



"Deidre, why aren't you at school" I asked, trying to change the subject.



"Why aren't you at school?!!"



I sort of half smiled Deidre’s way and caught a glimpse of Franny looking at Danny.



As Franny and Deidre got up to leave, they came over to our table to say goodbye.



"Will we be seeing you in school tomorrow?"



"Well, yeah I guess" I said



"Good"



"Bye" both Danny and I said to Deidre



"Bye" Both girls waved at us while making there way to the door.



________________________________________________________________ ________



As Danny and I were on the bus going back to Elizabeth, I felt a feeling Danny wanted to talk about the hospital. He practically brought it up every chance he could.

So as the bus raced down the highway, I asked Danny -



"Why did you get admitted into that hospital?"



"Boy, are you persistent!"



"Well you know what they say: Persistence is the key to virtue"



"They should say persistent is the key to a black eye"



Both of us laughed and continued on with our conversation.



"Well, last spring I got real sick and had to be admitted into the hospital. It was pretty stupid to be honest with you. It was this really dumb thing I did when was in school."



"What did you do?" I asked anxiously



"I kind of fell in love with my teacher"



"Oh Boy!"



" No, you don't get it. Nobody gets it"



"No, I was just joking man, what happen?"



"It was stupid. Around April I had to read this book for class. The Catcher in the Rye"



"Dude, that my favorite book"



"Yeah, mine too. That's odd. Well, anyway, my English teacher gave me the book to read and I did so. Late April I started to get depressed as hell. If you want to know the truth, I was sort of feeling like I wanted to kill myself. I don't know why but I just didn't want to live anymore. I missed my dad a lot and my mom was hardly home. I was alone most of the time. I would go to school feeling depressed like a madman and my English teacher would calm me down and talk to me. Things felt better when I was with her. Kind of like I was normal. Like I fit somewhere. Well anyway, I don't know why but I came up with this brilliant idea to tell her how I felt. Only thing is she kind of got scared and took me out of her English Class"



"What exactly did you say to her?" I asked



"Well, I don't remember everything but I sort of told her how I liked her and we could run away together and we could both get away from this stupid place."



"Whoa! Why’d do that for?"



"I don't know man, it just felt right. She was the only one who liked me, the only one who cared about how I was doing."



"Yeah but, she could go lose her job and if worst comes to worst - Go to jail"



"Yeah, I know - I kind of realized that"



"But, that doesn't seem like a reason they admit you into a psychiatric home"



"Yeah, I know. It was because of what happen after."



"What happen after?" I asked



"I really can't talk about it. It's too hard"



"Well, can you try?"



He took a long sigh and continued -



"The following week after she threw me out of her class, I was feeling like shit. I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone but her. So, that Friday when she had an open period. I left my class and headed to her room"



"What else?"



"Well, I started talking about how much of a good couple we are and how we could carry on conversations for days, and I have my own bike so she doesn't have to worry about me bothering her for a ride. Well, I guess she didn't like the idea cause she stood up and made way for the door. I didn't know what to do. I felt like I was losing her. Like she was getting away from me, so I did whatever I could to make her stay"



"What did you do?"



"I told her if she left I'll kill myself. She stopped at the door and began to cry. She told me how I could get help, how we could do it together. But I knew she didn't mean it. They never do. I told her that all I wanted was her; all I wanted was to be with her. No one understood me the way she did. The next few things were a blur but, from what I read in my portfolio, I became violent and a danger to my own well being. I started to hit my head against the desk. I started to bleed and cry."



"What happened after that?"



"Well, I remember being escorted out the room by 3 police men, then put onto a stretcher"



"Wow, I'm sorry Danny"



"There's nothing to be sorry about Steven"



There was nothing else any of us could say. I turned my head towards the window and watched the trees fade into the darkness that was night. I don't believe I've ever been so scared in my life. And the weird part is, I wasn't scared for me but, for Danny.

I, too, am a writer. Not published, though. My criticism is usually turned away because I'm published, but it seems you could use a hand...or a word--whichever term you prefer.



I read only the first few paragraphs, and the first thing I noticed was that it's too choppy. I understand this is a rough draft--and rought drafts are pretty...well, rough. It's a bit too choppy.



The first thing anyone is taught about writing is the hook. It has to hook you from the start. I like the opening line, but the way you stated her age was too...upfront. Description, description, description! One needs to get a feel for the character's personality, as well as their physical appearance. I admit, I skimmed most of it--and I missed a lot.



I have to be honest: I was turned away almost instantly when you stated she was sixteen.



Please don't take this offensive. Message me, please, with what you've posted--perhaps a bit more. I'd like to look at it some more...



One thing I've "learned": if you've the drive to write.

Maybe you should try marketing this novel to Scott Tissue or some other toilet paper maker. By the grace of a miracle, it may be worth printing on the rolls so people have something of amusement while they're whiping their ass.



(I've degenerated to something grotesque and childish, but damn if this doesn't deserve it. Now...back to being a lurker.)

The [Literati] (A.D. Nox) wrote:

Maybe you should try marketing this novel to Scott Tissue or some other toilet paper maker. By the grace of a miracle, it may be worth printing on the rolls so people have something of amusement while they're whiping their ass.



(I've degenerated to something grotesque and childish, but damn if this doesn't deserve it. Now...back to being a lurker.)

I'm dying to see a sample of your writing.

Tourniquet wrote:



I'm dying to see a sample of your writing.

You just did....and there was more skill in that brief post that in the rubbish that started this thread off.....

Tourniquet wrote:

The [Literati] (A.D. Nox) wrote:

Maybe you should try marketing this novel to Scott Tissue or some other toilet paper maker. By the grace of a miracle, it may be worth printing on the rolls so people have something of amusement while they're whiping their ass.



(I've degenerated to something grotesque and childish, but damn if this doesn't deserve it. Now...back to being a lurker.)

I'm dying to see a sample of your writing.

You could either:



1.) Find the pathetic novel I had published when I was kid (written 12-13, published 15-16). Hell, even that piece of shit is better than the drivel the guy above posted.



2.) Find me on Urbis (alexianx is my s/n--I'm pretty well known/active there, so it should be easy).



3.) Or go back in the posts on this forum and find the thread titled, "Well, Hell...", which has about two pages (five if you want to get technical and preach industry standard 250-words-per-page) worth of "Dark Awakenings"'s opening.

Mary wrote:

The [Literati] (A.D. Nox) wrote:

Maybe you should try marketing this novel to Scott Tissue or some other toilet paper maker. By the grace of a miracle, it may be worth printing on the rolls so people have something of amusement while they're whiping their ass.



(I've degenerated to something grotesque and childish, but damn if this doesn't deserve it. Now...back to being a lurker.)

Ooh. A luker, eh?



I may accept your friend request after all, it's been rotting.



Stevenson, I hear tell you refered to me as a doll. I have a wittness. I'm sure Frickly is willing to testify (if he remembers the incident at all - he recounted it to me.) What have you to say to that?



I shall not comment on your writing.

Of course I lurk. I only come out when cynicism and sarcasm are the order of the day and I'm bored. Why let a request rot, though? They build up if they're not accepted or declined. I personally have a tendency to accept anything, including the porn bots and horrible bands that add me on an hourly basis. I just never talk to them after (the people, bots and bands all).

Neil wrote:

Mate, I would finish the book then throw it away. Your next book will be better but it will still be poor. By the time you write your third or forth (providing you learn the lessons) you might be a pretty decent writer and you'll be embrassed that you ever came up with Franny and Danny.

People don't always improve. He may still be 40 and suck (I've seen a lot of them). Unfortunately, the industry is flooded with wannabes to the point that they, shark agents and vanity/self publishers combine to ruin a once-great career. ~.~