Ah yes, the awards that I love to hate. No surprises here: as always the Grammy have proved themselves to be late to the party, giving awards to songs that 75% of the radio-listening public are already sick of, and showing praise to bands that reached their artistic peak years ago.
Unlike the other major music award shows which I *only* merely hate the Grammys stand head and shoulders above the rest in mediocrity (and I still watch them, so maybe the joke is on me). No, the difference between the Grammys and the other shows (which I never bother to watch) is that the Grammys are supposed to be the big and serious awards show that actually recognizes the musicianship, craft and artistry that go into the producing of a record...but really, that's all bull shit. These days the Academy and the RIAA have as much credibility as a corrupt government in the Caribbean or Africa.
Anyway, here's the list, along with my prediction with who *should* win and who I *think* will pick up the award instead.
Some of these are so obvious. However, I can't help but feel happy when I see an artist that truly deserves to be recognized, mainly because they're finally getting the attention that he, she or they deserve from a mainstream audience.
Category 1
Record Of The Year
(Award to the Artist and to the Producer(s), Recording Engineer(s) and/or Mixer(s), if other than the artist.)
* Be Without You (Since MJB somehow managed to land the annual spot of being the "Artist that the Academy has boner for, therefore the most nominations", all signs point that the big gold phonogram will go to this one)
Mary J. Blige
Bryan-Michael Cox, producer; Danny Cheung, Tal Herzberg & Dave "Hard-Drive" Pensado, engineers/mixers
Track from: The Breakthrough
[Geffen Records]
* You're Beautiful (I will shoot myself in the foot if this song wins)
James Blunt
Tom Rothrock, producer; Tom Rothrock & Mike Tarantino, engineers/mixers
Track from: Back To Bedlam
[Custard/Atlantic]
* Not Ready To Make Nice (Ugh)
Dixie Chicks
Rick Rubin, producer; Richard Dodd, Jim Scott & Chris Testa, engineers/mixers
Track from: Taking The Long Way
[Open Wide/Columbia]
* Crazy (being the honestly good track among the pack, this is the one I'm rooting for. Go Danger Mouse!)
Gnarls Barkley
Danger Mouse, producer; Ben H. Allen, Danger Mouse & Kennie Takahashi, engineers/mixers
Track from: St. Elsewhere
[Downtown/Atlantic]
* Put Your Records On (the song itself is not bad; it's simply an odd choice for the big "record of the year" category. I guess the Academy got lazy and Google searched for a track with "record" on the title and Voila! Record of the Year nominee!)
Corinne Bailey Rae
Steve Chrisanthou, producer; Steve Chrisanthou & Jeremy Wheatley, engineers/mixers
Track from: Corinne Bailey Rae
[Capitol]
Category 2
Album Of The Year
(Award to the Artist(s) and to the Album Producer(s), Recording Engineer(s)/Mixer(s) & Mastering Engineer(s), if other than the artist.)
* Taking The Long Way (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Man...I hate Adult Alternative)
Dixie Chicks
Rick Rubin, producer; Richard Dodd, Jim Scott & Chris Testa, engineers/mixers; Richard Dodd, mastering engineer
[Open Wide/Columbia]
* St. Elsewhere (They have no chance in hell, but once again, I'm pulling for them. At least, they're going to perform, so I'm not going to fast forward through the whole three hour plus show)
Gnarls Barkley
Danger Mouse, producer; Ben H. Allen, Danger Mouse & Kennie Takahashi, engineers/mixers; Mike Lazer, mastering engineer
[Downtown/Atlantic]
* Continuum (No, thank you. File this one under "For those having trouble sleeping")
John Mayer
Steve Jordan & John Mayer, producers; John Alagia, Michael Brauer, Joe Ferla, Chad Franscoviak, Manny Marroquin & Dave O'Donnell, engineers/mixers; Greg Calbi, mastering engineer
[Aware/Columbia]
* Stadium Arcadium (Typical story repeats itself: big arena rock band releases album for the first time in...five to ten years. The album itself is boring, bland and mediocre; a shade of their former glory; but who cares!!? Rolling Stone mag calls it a "major comeback to their roots"; they get all these publicity deals and major companies backing them up, and some of them are even network sponsors, uh? uh? I mean, really...is a phony fake award and some minutes of airtime too much to ask in return? Nah! Here's your winner, the Mildly Hot Chili Poppers.)
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Rick Rubin, producer; Ryan Hewitt, Mark Linette & Andrew Scheps, engineers/mixers; Vlado Meller, mastering engineer
[Warner Bros.]
* FutureSex/LoveSounds (Nah. It's got a couple of good catchy dance tracks, but it's not much of an album. The media loves Justin, though, so he might give the Chili Peppers the upset)
Justin Timberlake
Nate (Danga) Hills, Jawbreakers, Rick Rubin, Timbaland & Justin Timberlake, producers; Jimmy Douglass, Serban Ghenea, Padraic Kerin, Jason Lader, Andrew Scheps, Timbaland & Ethan Willoughby, engineers/mixers; Herb Powers, Jr., mastering engineer
[Jive Records/Zomba Label Group]
Category 3
Song Of The Year
(A Songwriter(s) Award. A song is eligible if it was first released or if it first achieved prominence during the Eligibility Year. (Artist names appear in parenthesis.) Singles or Tracks only.)
* Be Without You (Smells like another Grammy for Blige. Yawn)
Johnta Austin, Mary J. Blige, Bryan-Michael Cox & Jason Perry, songwriters (Mary J. Blige)
Track from: The Breakthrough
[Geffen Records; Publishers: Chrysalis Music, Mary J. Blige Music, Naked Under My Clothes Music, Universal Music Corp., Babyboy's Little Publishing, Jason's Lyrics, Noontime South, Reach Global Tunes, WB Music.]
* Jesus, Take The Wheel (to borrow a thoughtful phrase from Faith Hill... "WHAT!!?")
Brett James, Hillary Lindsey & Gordie Sampson, songwriters (Carrie Underwood)
Track from: Some Hearts
[Arista/Arista Nashville/19; Publishers: Dimensional Music of 1091/Sony/ATV Cross Keys Publishing, Raylene Music/BPJ Administration, No Such Music, Passing Stranger Music/1609 Songs/Music of Windswept.]
* Not Ready To Make Nice (Ugh. Ok, we get it. Here's the press release: The Academy is all about Free Speech, so for the record, they didn't pick this song because The Dixie Chicks symbolize rejection of the Bush Administration and its public policies, but they picked this song because it's excellent message expressed in a musical and artistic manner---and. I think I'll just stop there. What a bunch of crap)
Martie Maguire, Natalie Maines, Emily Robison & Dan Wilson, songwriters (Dixie Chicks)
Track from: Taking The Long Way
[Open Wide/Columbia; Publishers: Woolly Puddin' Music, Chrysalis Music, Sugar Lake Music.]
* Put Your Records On (LAME!!! But I suppose that if I have to pick one, then...)
John Beck, Steve Chrisanthou & Corinne Bailey Rae, songwriters (Corinne Bailey Rae)
Track from: Corinne Bailey Rae
[Capitol; Publisher: Global Talent Publishing.]
* You're Beautiful (I will shoot myself in the hand if this song wins)
James Blunt, Amanda Ghost & Sacha Skarbek, songwriters (James Blunt)
Track from: Back To Bedlam
[Custard/Atlantic; Publishers: EMI Blackwood Music, David Platz Music.]
Category 4
Best New Artist
(For a new artist who releases, during the Eligibility Year, the first recording which establishes the public identity of that artist.)
* James Blunt (No)
* Chris Brown (No)
* Imogen Heap (Eh)
* Corinne Bailey Rae (No)
* Carrie Underwood (No)
Oh my God. This is going to be the most agonizingly painful show to watch since...the 2005 Grammys. The award will obviously go to Blunt in this category.
Field 1 — Pop
Category 5
Best Female Pop Vocal Performance
(For a solo vocal performance. Singles or Tracks only.)
* Ain't No Other Man
Christina Aguilera
Track from: Back To Basics
[RCA Records]
* Unwritten
Natasha Bedingfield
Track from: Unwritten
[Epic/Phonogenic]
* You Can Close Your Eyes
Sheryl Crow
Track from: Sheryl Crow Artist's Choice Deluxe Edition
[Hear Music/Universal Music]
* Stupid Girls
Pink
Track from: I'm Not Dead
[LaFace/Zomba Label Group]
* Black Horse And The Cherry Tree
KT Tunstall
[Relentless/Virgin]
I'm pulling for Sheryl Crow, an old favorite, and the Grammy might actually go to her, unless the Grammy does something crazy/bad and give the prize to Pink or do something crazy/good and give it to Tunstall
Category 6
Best Male Pop Vocal Performance
(For a solo vocal performance. Singles or Tracks only.)
* You're Beautiful (I will shoot myself in the face if this song wins)
James Blunt
Track from: Back To Bedlam
[Custard/Atlantic]
* Save Room
John Legend
Track from: Once Again
[Columbia/GOOD/Sony Urban]
* Waiting On The World To Change
John Mayer
Track from: Continuum
[Aware/Columbia]
* Jenny Wren (Holy Shit! This was actually, IMO, hands down the BEST song of 2005. Another track from this very same album (Fine Line) was nominated in this category as well and it didn't pick up the award. I guess it took the Academy a whole year to realize that they picked the wrong track and are now seeking to redeem themselves. In any case, Sir Paul could probably care less, but I'm sure that right now he could use some praise, so...Go Paul!)
Paul McCartney
Track from: Chaos And Creation In The Backyard
[Capitol]
* Bad Day
Daniel Powter
Track from: Daniel Powter
[Warner Bros.]
Category 7
Best Pop Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocal
(For established duos or groups, with vocals. Singles or Tracks only.)
* My Humps (Jesus Christ. I hate, hate, hate, HATE!!! hate this song. This song and this band represent everything that is wrong about mainstream music)
The Black Eyed Peas
Track from: Monkey Business
[A&M Records]
* I Will Follow You Into The Dark (Geez, Grammys. Where the fuck were you when Transatlanticism came out years ago. Nowadays, this former indie favorite has turned into your typical boreass Adult Alternative band)
Death Cab For Cutie
Track from: Plans
[Atlantic Records]
* Over My Head (Cable Car) (People used to mock Coldplay as being "Radiohead Lite". Now we can mock The Fray for being "Coldplay Lite". Kinda like Pepsi Zero)
The Fray
Track from: How To Save A Life
[Epic]
* Is It Any Wonder? (To paraphrase Noel Gallaqher "Fuckin' awful")
Keane
Track from: Under The Iron Sea
[Interscope Records]
* Stickwitu (Are they fucking kidding?)
The Pussycat Dolls
Track from: PCD
[A&M Records]
Now this is one bloody fucking ugly category. I think the Grammy will go to the Black Eye Piss, though. They have to walk out with something or Verizon Wireless or Sprint will pull the plug on the show)
Category 8
Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals
(For a collaborative performance, with vocals, by artists who do not normally perform together. Singles or Tracks only.)
* For Once In My Life
Tony Bennett & Stevie Wonder
Track from: Duets: An American Classic
[RPM Records/Columbia]
* One (One!!!? AGAIN!!!? I will barf if I listen to "One" one more time)
Mary J. Blige & U2
Track from: The Breakthrough
[Geffen/Matriarch Records]
* Always On Your Side
Sheryl Crow & Sting
Track from: Wildflower
[A&M Records]
* Promiscuous (this song is overplayed by now, but this is the one should've been nominated in the major "Best Record" category. Whatever.)
Nelly Furtado & Timbaland
Track from: Loose
[Geffen/Mosley Music Group]
* Hips Don't Lie
Shakira & Wyclef Jean
Track from: Oral Fixation Vol. 2
[Epic]
Let's Go Nelly!
Category 9
Best Pop Instrumental Performance
(For solo, duo, group or collaborative performances, without vocals. Singles or Tracks only.)
Don't care. Skip.
Category 10
Best Pop Instrumental Album
(For albums containing 51% or more playing time of INSTRUMENTAL tracks.)
Don't care. Skip.
Category 11
Best Pop Vocal Album
(For albums containing 51% or more playing time of VOCAL tracks.)
* Back To Basics
Christina Aguilera
[RCA Records]
* Back To Bedlam
James Blunt
[Custard/Atlantic]
* The River In Reverse
Elvis Costello & Allen Toussaint
[Verve Forecast]
* Continuum
John Mayer
[Aware/Columbia]
* FutureSex/LoveSounds
Justin Timberlake
[Jive Records/Zomba Label Group]
Goddamn. Couldn't they just donate the prize to charity. Now, in all fairness, I haven't listened to the Elvis Costello album, which seems like the odd stand out. I'm all for giving the award to Elvis. The man deserves all the recognition he can get.
Field 2 — Dance
Category 12
Best Dance Recording
(For solo, duo, group or collaborative performances. Vocal or Instrumental. Singles or tracks only.)
* Suffer Well (How the FUCK did Depeche Mode get in here?)
Depeche Mode
Ben Hillier, producer; Steve Fitzmaurice & Ben Hillier, mixers
Track from: Playing The Angel
[Sire/Reprise/Mute]
* Ooh La La (Yay! Goldfrapp...of "strict machine" fame? no?)
Goldfrapp
Goldfrapp, producers; Mark "Spike" Stent, mixer
Track from: Supernature
[Mute]
* Get Together (I was under the impression that "Hung Up" was going to be the nominated record. Whatever. It's their senseless backwards show, not mine)
Madonna
Madonna & Stuart Price, producers; Mark "Spike" Stent, mixer
Track from: Confessions On A Dance Floor
[Warner Bros.]
* I'm With Stupid
Pet Shop Boys
Trevor Horn, producer; Robert Orton, mixer
Track from: Fundamental
[Rhino Entertainment]
* Sexy Back
Justin Timberlake & Timbaland
Danja, Timbaland & Justin Timberlake, producers; Jimmy Douglass, mixer
[Jive Records/Zomba Label Group]
Surprisingly strong category. You got Depeche Mode, Goldfrapp, the Pet Shop Boys, Madonna...but all signs point to SexyBack getting the award, and to be honest, I don't have a problem with that.
Category 13
Best Electronic/Dance Album
(For vocal or instrumental albums. Albums only.)
* Supernature
Goldfrapp
[Mute]
* Confessions On A Dance Floor
Madonna
[Warner Bros.]
* A Lively Mind
Oakenfold
[Maverick]
* Fundamental
Pet Shop Boys
[Rhino Entertainment]
* The Garden
Zero 7
[Atlantic]
Madonna gets the Gram
Field 3 — Traditional Pop
Category 14
Best Traditional Pop Vocal Album
(For albums containing 51% or more playing time of VOCAL tracks.)
Don't care. But Tony Bennett will get the award here. And Starbucks will make sure that happens!!
Field 4 — Rock
Category 15
Best Solo Rock Vocal Performance
(For a solo vocal performance. Singles or Tracks only.)
* Nausea
Beck
[Interscope Records]
* Someday Baby
Bob Dylan
Track from: Modern Times (Oh geez, shouldn't this album be placed, like, thirteen or fourteen categories before this one?)
[Columbia]
* Route 66
John Mayer
Track from: Cars — Soundtrack (Various Artists)
[Disney]
* Saving Grace
Tom Petty
Track from: Highway Companion
[American]
* Lookin' For A Leader
Neil Young
Track from: Living With War
[Reprise]
Oh yeah, here's the part where we remember that there other artists that released albums this year. I guarantee you that neither Beck, Neil Young, Tom Petty nor Bob Dylan will waste their time attending this garbage. Bob will still pick up the award though.
Category 16
Best Rock Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocal
(For duo, group or collaborative performances, with vocals. Singles or Tracks only.)
* Talk (Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz)
Coldplay
Track from: X&Y
[Capitol]
* How To Save A Life (Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz)
The Fray
Track from: How To Save A Life
[Epic]
* Steady, As She Goes (Uh, what's that hear...a more or less decent song)
The Raconteurs
Track from: Broken Boy Soldiers
[V2/Third Man Records]
* Dani California Oh no, wait, it's just another generic formula rock song. Back to sleep)
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Track from: Stadium Arcadium
[Warner Bros.]
* The Saints Are Coming (Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz)
U2 & Green Day
[Interscope Records/Warner Bros.]
Category 17
Best Hard Rock Performance
(For solo, duo, group or collaborative performances, with vocals. Singles or Tracks only.)
* Crazy Bitch
Buckcherry
[Eleven Seven Music]
* Every Day Is Exactly The Same
Nine Inch Nails
Track from: With Teeth
[nothing/Interscope Records]
* Lonely Day (Out of all the great tracks in Hypnotize they pick fucking "Lonely Day"!? Where the fuck is "Hard Rock" in fucking "Lonely Day"!? It's fucking lame-ass ballad for Christ's sake)
System Of A Down
Track from: Hypnotize
[American/Columbia]
* Vicarious
Tool
Track from: 10,000 Days
[Volcano/Zomba Label Group]
* Woman
Wolfmother
Track from: Wolfmother
[Modular/Interscope Records]
Category 18
Best Metal Performance
(For solo, duo, group or collaborative performances, with vocals. Singles or Tracks only.)
* Redneck
Lamb Of God
Track from: Sacrament
[Epic]
* Colony Of Birchmen (MASTODON!!!!! Holy Jesus! Finallly a fucking honest-to-God Awesome Nod. Everybody else in this category, with the exception of Ministry, is numb-generic Metal. Mastodon rocks so fucking much even the old people at the Grammys HAD to notice)
Mastodon
Track from: Blood Mountain
[Reprise/Relapse Records]
* Lies, Lies, Lies
Ministry
Track from: Rio Grande Blood
[13th Planet Records/Megaforce Records]
* Eyes Of The Insane
Slayer
Track from: Christ Illusion
[American]
* 30/30-150
Stone Sour
[Roadrunner Records]
Category 19
Best Rock Instrumental Performance
(For solo, duo, group or collaborative performances, without vocals. Includes Rock, Hard Rock and Metal. Singles or Tracks only.)
* Chun Li's Flying Bird Kick (nice wacky title, I’ll give them that)
Arctic Monkeys
[Domino Recording]
* The Wizard Turns On...
The Flaming Lips
Track from: At War With The Mystics
[Warner Bros.]
* Black Hole Sun
Peter Frampton
[A&M Records/New Door Records]
* Catsellorizon (Gilmour FTW!!)
David Gilmour
Track from: On An Island
[Columbia]
* Super Colossal
Joe Satriani
Track from: Super Colossal
[Epic]
Pretty good category, all around. Can't go wrong with Satriani, Frampton, and the Lips.
Category 20
Best Rock Song
(A Songwriter(s) Award. Includes Rock, Hard Rock & Metal songs. For Song Eligibility Guidelines see Category #3. (Artist names appear in parenthesis.) Singles or Tracks only.)
* Chasing Cars (Meh....)
Nathan Connolly, Gary Lightbody, Jonny Quinn, Tom Simpson & Paul Wilson, songwriters (Snow Patrol)
Track from: Eyes Open
[A&M Records; Publisher: Big Life Music.]
* Dani California (Meh...the video was fun to watch though. The first time)
Flea, John Frusciante, Anthony Kiedis & Chad Smith, songwriters (Red Hot Chili Peppers)
Track from: Stadium Arcadium
[Warner Bros.; Publisher: Moebetoblame Music.]
* Lookin' For A Leader
Neil Young, songwriter (Neil Young)
Track from: Living With War
[Reprise; Publisher: Silver Fiddle Music.]
* Someday Baby (Another grammy for Bob)
Bob Dylan, songwriter (Bob Dylan)
Track from: Modern Times
[Columbia; Publisher: Bob Dylan.]
* When You Were Young (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! The Killers and Bob Dylan head-to-head in the same category. This is just going to add more fuel to the fire generated by Flowers' comments)
Brandon Flowers, Dave Keuning, Mark Stoermer & Ronnie Vannucci, songwriters (The Killers)
[Island Records; Publisher: Universal-Polygram Int.]
Category 21
Best Rock Album
(Vocal or Instrumental. Includes Hard Rock and Metal.)
* Try!
John Mayer Trio
[Aware/Columbia]
* Highway Companion
Tom Petty
[American]
* Broken Boy Soldiers
The Raconteurs
[V2/Third Man Records]
* Stadium Arcadium
Red Hot Chili Peppers
[Warner Bros.]
* Living With War
Neil Young
[Reprise]
What? Bob Dylan and Mastodon weren't "good enough" to make the cut. I guess this is what Dylan gets for making those comments about CD quality. Ehhh...let's go away and give it to Neil Young
Field 5 — Alternative
Category 22
Best Alternative Music Album
(Vocal or Instrumental.)
* Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not
Arctic Monkeys (ok, for the 143th time...OVERRRATTTTEDDD!!!
[Domino Recording]
* At War With The Mystics
The Flaming Lips (it was all right, but...didn't live up to expectations)
[Warner Bros.]
* St. Elsewhere (the award is clearly going here)
Gnarls Barkley
[Downtown/Atlantic]
* Show Your Bones (eh.)
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
[Interscope Records]
* The Eraser (i don't know)
Thom Yorke
[XL Recordings]
I could name at least, i don't know, a good number of the so-called "alternative" albums that were far better than any of the five nominees above...but really, why bother?
And then there's like three dozen or so categories about R&B, rap and country, and few others about polka, reggae, and classical. Since I don't care about any of those, I'll just stop here.
Well, this has been a nice waste of...two hours. I'm out of school for only one day and I'm clearly already running out of things to do with my free time. Cheers! :D
