I just have some questions for the Christians out there about how to deal with a problem I am having.



I am divorced from a man who has a music ministry. We have 2 children together. I am the one who chose to end the marriage after 4 years of spousal abuse. There were other problems - like the fact that he refused to let me continue my education or have even a part time job, he controlled everything I did. Ministry consumed his entire life. Our family always came last. There were several friends that saw what was happening and tried to set him straight. They told him that his personal relationship with God should be first, then his family, then his ministry. But he just justified his actions by saying that his ministry is how he planned on taking care of his family. He quit jobs a few times because they interferred with ministry and we were already struggling. Our house had plumbing problems, we had no oil to heat our house, and barely any food for the kids to eat...but still, ministry came first.



Just for the record, I was not a perfect spouse either - I had my issues...I was not always an obedient wife, and I committed adultry 3 years into the marriage.



So long story short, I left & filed for divorce. When I filed, I asked for child support and alimony. He never completed the financial papers the court needed to set the child support appropriately, so the judge set it based on what a man his age is capable of making and granted the alimony. My exhusband has for the most part met his support obligations on time (I'll give him credit for that), except for at the very beginning. The problem that I am having is that he doesn't seem to want a relationship with his kids. He'll go months at a time without visiting them - and he's entitled to visits every other weekend. He said it was because he couldn't afford to feed them because he pays so much child support...so I sent them with food. He said that he didn't have a running vehicle...so I provided transportation. He said that he didn't have any clothes for them...so I sent clothes. Finally sick of his excuses, I stopped calling to ask if he would be taking the kids for the weekend. For the last month, he hasn't seen the kids...he won't even return their phone calls. My 7 year old daughter finally decided to call from the daycare so that he wouldn't recognize the number - and he answered. She asked him if he was going to pick them up. He said that he wasn't because he can't stand the sight of her mother. lol, at least he's finally being honest!



My question is this - would it be wrong of me to tell people who is REALLY is? Shouldn't pastors of churches where he's ministering know the kind of person they are bringing into their church to speak to their youth groups? Is it my place to do that? The only reason I haven't is because I would want to make sure that my motive is right - is it because I really care about the damage that could be done to the church or just because there is a little part of me that wants to see damage done to him for hurting my kids?



The bottom line is he's a fake - he's not who he claims to be and I'm tired of him lying to church congregations out there - not just congregations- he's lying to anybody who has seen his myspace page and heard his music too!

In my opinion, you are best leaving it to God to sort out and not further entangling yourself with the issues of your ex-. It won't move you further. Not matter what your intentions are, you will not be able to represent or witness impartially.



If you can't, then I suggest that you tell another senior church leader in confidence and ask him/her to help sort it out.

You cheated on him... he's controlling (surprise?)... doesn't want to see the kids...



Well, as an initial question to get out of the way... the kids are biologically his?

first off - don't ASSume that he was controlling because I cheated! It was the other way around! He first sent me to the hopsital to get stitches in my lip when I was pregnant with our daughter - 4 months into the marriage. And yes, the kids are his!

Hmm... well, I can say another checkmark is getting made on the "remain as Paul was" side of the comparison chart...



Beyond that, though, I think I'd need to hear his side of the story.

KSirrah wrote:

Deep down, I think you are angry - and understandably so. I don't know that it is necessary for you to tell churches that he is a fake. In fact, it might hurt your chances of ever getting any money out of him for your children. I am not a religious person, but I do know a thing or two about forgiveness. Forgiveness is for the forgiver - not the person being forgiven. It is the forgiver's way of letting go so that he/she can move on. I think that it is okay for you to feel the anger that you do. But revenge is never as sweet as it promises to be. Instead, you might think about just letting him completely go. As long as you are thinking about hurting him in some way, you are still his prisoner. I give this advice in a kind spirit and hope it is helpful.

That is why I feel that my motives (in whatever I do) should be right. Revenge isn't sweet...well, maybe for a moment, but what goes around comes around - it's not like I've never done anything hurtful to anyone.



It's just really hard to let it go, you know! I'm the one that has to see the kids crying because their dad isn't coming to get them or because their dad doesn't want them. And there's nothing I can do to help them. I know that I"m not the only mom out there that deals with this, but then it's just so "in my face" all the time. For instance, he was supposed to pick up the kids one Friday night, and I got a call from my mom who saw him standing on the street corner with a "Jesus saves" sign - instead of being with his kids. He told them that he was busy that weekend.

josh wrote:

Answer: Hired Assassin

heyy don't think I haven't thought about it. just kidding

I'd say work on your own wounds first. They have led you to become something you never intended. You're bitter and captive to sin (drinking). How can you remove the speck from your brother's eye when you have a plank in your own?



As for him: It's been said if you give a man enough rope he'll hang himself. Let it go and see what happens. Perhaps he'll change or maybe not. But if you become preoccupied with what he's doing all the time you'll never enjoy what you have.

Have you been able to speak with a Pastor or a Leader in your church? If you can, seek them out to have them pray with you & help give some spiritual counseling. When I went through my divorce a few years ago, it really helped me to be able to talk with other believer's who were supporting me in prayer. As for your ex, leave him alone & let God take control. God sees everything & the Bible says that is rains on the just & unjust alike. I just pray that God will give you strength & peace of mind to make it through. I know you can do it! I went through a similar situation about 6 years ago & I thought it was the end of the world. lol. But through lots of prayer, reading my Word, crying (lots of crying-lol), and just seeking God for myself & my children, God mended my heart. I want to encourage you to keep pressing on & keep fighting the good fight of faith. God has brought you too far to just let you fall. He loves you too much.