I wrote this list awhile ago but I felt like passing them on here. It seems like it might be enjoyed here. I hope it reaches you well.
Things you should NOT say during sex...
~HEY! It looks like Roast Beef but it smells like a Ruben.
~Sometimes I don't think you are worth the money I paid for you...
~And this is when desperation kicks in...
~The more you struggle, the more he gets pissed off.
~You remind me of a guy I met in a truckstop bathroom.
~Oop... and now the corn goes full circle!
~This brick is for my protection.
~Wow... your back tastes like semen.
~SATAN BE GONE!!!!
~I know you didn't cum but will you marry me.
~Let's make this quick... shall we?
~Fuck... light a match or something, you dirty whore...
~To think, I once said "anybody but you".
~You move your hips like my sister.
~Are we there yet? Are we there yet? (repeat)
~mmmm...pussypussypussypussy...
~This is a move Father McBrian taught me.
~Man, you smell just like dog pussy.
~(right as the guy is cumming) *screams like a little girl*
~(when the guy exposes his cock) that reminds me of the time I broke my little toe...
~Who's daddy's little goat... I MEAN GIRL!
~SEABASS!!!!
~There's this thing I want to try...let me go get the duct tape and fish hooks...
~I want to play with the mud in your backyard!
~Do you know how to get blood stains out of leather??
~I got stuck on the stick square.
~I assume you have change for a fifty?
~I think somebody needs more ruffies...
~Don't like the taste of the ball in your mouth? I'll just give it back to the dog.
~I'm going to fuck you soooo hard... once I get this diaper off...
~OH!!! I lost the condom... hold on while I go get a laddle!
~I'm writing a book... 50 sex acts with a plunger
~I use to be a your twin brother.
~It might be the gas I just huffed, but you are lookin FLY!!!!
~Don't worry, I'm just looking for corn.
~Your cat's tongue feels just like sandpaper against my balls.
~Don't move.... you'll spill the ashtray.
~Oh...it feels just like it did in the 2nd grade.
~No...you get naked in the trunk.... I'll...uh... be there in a minute.
~Don't worry...that's only Sal... He's just a lonely midget.
~It's kind of like a "body shot".. except you just hold my glass while I fuck you.
~Come on.... I paid good money for that bug zapper!
~Your father gave me 15 bucks to do the same thing to him...
~This is the part when I make it seem like I'm sawing you in half...
~You think you got a headache now?!?!?! Ssssssshit...
~Ok...the meters running.
~Who's my little piggly wiggly????
~Hold on while I pop this zit on your back.
~This reminds me... I forgot to hose out the boat.
~To think, I believed Billy when he said I'd get a merrit badge for doing this to him!
~Damn that looks just like cream cheese...
~Paper or Plastic??
~I haven't been this turned on since that time at Toys "R" Us.
~This is Skippy.....and he's a magical tunnel hamster.
~After tonight... I'll totally have next years Christmas card!
~No, baby, we don't drink the chicken blood...
~Remember: the little bumps are for YOUR pleasure.
~Don't worry my neighbor only likes looking at MY ass.
~Come on.... Let me stick my dick in your ear... it'll be funny!
~I bet you've seen THESE medical tools before!
~With someone like you... I NEED this backbrace!
~This being my first time, it's important that I let my parents watch...
~No, my name isn't Vinnie. They call me "VD"... it's kind of a nickname.
~Two words: Donkey PUNCH!!
~Having a third nipple is sort of a bonus meal.
~Let's change positions... you get in the hall while I turn on the PS2.
~WOW!!! I'm soooo small... I almost look like you!
~Well, you better eat it... it's going to spoil.
~First... I'm going saran-wrap your head... don't worry... this'll be fun.
~By the time you wake up... this'll all be over.
~It's times like this that I wish I remembered STD protection.
~Well, at least I came...
~The bag is connected to the tube... simple.
~Something tells me yooooou've been down at the docks.
~Why not? I payed good money to this migrant worker!
~IT'S POKER IN THE POOPOO TIME! WHOOPIE!
~I love salt on your toes...
~Sometimes 4 fingers just isn't big enough...ok?
~I just heard an echo... weird.
~Can I carve my name in you?
~HOT DAMN! You sound retarded!
~I've seen wetter lava...
~I wasn't talking about a shaving... there.
~If the time comes... use this blow dart on me.
~When's my turn to be the dirty little whore?!?!?
~*taps clipboard*... you may begin.
~This is how Jesus would fuck you.
~For some strange reason.... I wanna punch your ass.
~I swapped the lube with BenGay... waaaaaait for it!
~*Darth Vador sounds through a vaporizor mask*
~It's not like the dog does it all the time...
~*chews on partner's hair*
~Let's see if the whole foot'll go up there...
~Your parent's have no problem doing this maneuver.
~Ut oh... I just swallowed the condom.
~WOW! For once, your lip doesn't smell.
~Milk. Milk. Lemonade. Around the corner, my tongue finds shade.
~Let's put my diaper on your head now.
~Do you mind if I flick the stream while you pee?
~You know why I like goats... because they are hornier than you are.
~Does it hurt when I put the knife... here?
~just so you know... your sister did a lot less bitching when i did this to her...
~Can I put the corn back in thru the exit now?
~Well well well... looks like someone isn't "fresh"!
~It feels like jello in there...
~The sound horses' make... totally gets me hot.
~I wish you a had less limbs... did I ever tell you that?
~Hey, baby... what does an anal wart look like?
~Oh yeeeeah... punching is in the Kama Sutra... duh.
~For all those that don't know... this is "duct tape".
~Don't move! Don't move! Blood is good! Blood is good!
~Jeebus... it's like like a hoola-hoop in there...
~I call this move "fucking you with his dick"
~Just because a hooker can do it... doesn't mean you can.
~If I yell "MOMMY"... it's because I'm thinking of yours.
~FUCK ME, YOU DIRTY LITTLE SHEEP!! FUCK ME!!
~It's times like this, I'm glad my vision is poor.
~When was the last time you washed that thing...? whew.
~This reminds me of that time I went fishing with your brother.
~God, I wish I was drunk...
~The hair down there just seems to go on forever...
~When I shove it in... scream all you want... no one will hear you.
~I've never seen green shoot out of there before... neat!
~I'm going to fuck you like your daddy did.
~If I didn't slip it into your drink... why are you here?
~Trust me... it's better if you aren't awake for this...
~Whenever you're here, it's like a president died... cuz I can only get to half mast.
